Among the Scripture readings assigned for today, we find two stories that I think resonate strongly with each other. They are stories of two men who had each been very sure of who they were and what their lives were about, until they encountered Jesus after his resurrection. They are each conversion stories that include descriptions of wonderful intimacy with Jesus. They each contain a significant pause that invites deep introspection on the part of each man.
The first story is the well-known one of the dramatic conversion of Saul who became St Paul the Apostle after his encounter with the Jesus whose followers he had been vigorously persecuting. Saul had been quite sure that the followers of Jesus had been spreading dangerous heresies that were offensive to the true worship of God, until he encountered Jesus himself, risen from the dead and ascended to heaven. Saul was given a three-day pause, fasting without his natural sight so that he might reflect on what had happened to him and pray about it, before one of those disciples of Jesus whom he had intended to imprison came to set him free.
There is a wonderful intimacy portrayed between Ananias and Jesus in this story. Jesus calls to Ananias in a vision, and Ananias simply responds with “Here I am, Lord”, no drama, just having a conversation with Jesus, checking that Jesus has all the facts about Saul before setting out to do Jesus’ bidding. That closeness with Jesus gives Ananias a remarkable generosity of spirit. I think he would naturally have been quite reluctant to go anywhere near Saul, with the latter’s fearsome reputation, but Ananias is able gently to lay his hands on Saul and address him as Brother, recognizing the change that Jesus had already brought about in him.
The other story is that of the apostle Peter’s first personal encounter with Jesus after the latter’s resurrection, and it begins near the end of a significant pause. Simon called Peter had been quite sure of himself, of his courage, of his faithful love for Jesus, of his willingness to die for or with Jesus, until he found himself betraying all of that as he denied Jesus the three times that Jesus had told him he would do before Jesus’ crucifixion.
After Jesus’ resurrection, Peter had run to see the empty tomb before Jesus spoke with Mary Magdalene privately, then Peter had been with the other disciples on two occasions when Jesus appeared to them and even spoke with Thomas. I wonder what agony Peter would have been in all this time, with his betrayal of Jesus and of himself surely weighing so heavily on his heart and in his mind, while Jesus does not address it with him?
Now, at this third appearance, Peter leaps out of the boat and rushes towards Jesus through the water … but still Jesus does not seem to acknowledge him directly. Beaches are among my favourite places to be, and the wonderful intimacy of being invited to have breakfast with Jesus on a beach is such an appealing idea … but, under such conditions, I wonder how Peter experienced the meal. Perhaps it was enough just to be in Jesus’ company again, receiving his hospitality for that time. (I do also wonder what the conversation amongst them all would have been about, though.)
Finally, Jesus turns to Simon Peter directly. There is no mention of the betrayal, the denial, the turning away. There is no accusation nor condemnation. There is only one question, repeated three times to release Peter from the burden of his three denials. Do you love me?
Peter realizes that Jesus knows everything, so I suppose the question is less for Jesus than for Peter to discover the answer to. Peter needs to answer the question for himself, he needs to hear himself say that, yes, he loves Jesus more than anything else, and the terrible way that he has let Jesus and himself down does not change that.
Peter will no longer be going wherever he thinks best, confident in his own ability. In following Jesus, he will be stretching out his hands for Jesus to lead him where he would naturally rather not go, and this dying to his own wilfulness is what will enable him ultimately to glorify God, by tending to all those whom Jesus has placed in his care.
I think there are times when all of us let ourselves and others down, often by being too attached to our own way of seeing things. As the disciples continually failed to recognize Jesus when he appeared to them after his resurrection, I think we often are unable or unwilling to recognize the presence of Jesus because we think we know what we are looking for and how we should or want to respond. And so, we might think and act in ways that are contrary to what Jesus invites us to.
Sometimes the embarrassment and shame that follow the recognition of having let ourselves and others down might cause us to want to hide. I think these stories today are given to us to encourage us under such conditions.
Jesus waits for us to be ready to face him again. Then, without accusation or condemnation, Jesus asks us that one question again. Do you love me? When we hear ourselves answer that question affirmatively, we find ourselves enabled and willing once again to tend to all that Jesus has placed in our care.