“Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. None of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions.”
I wonder how you felt, how you responded within yourself, when you heard these words from Luke’s Gospel read this morning? Did Jesus really just tell would-be disciples in the crowd around him that they had to hate their family members?
Dr Eitan Bar, a Jewish Christian Bible scholar, notes that, in English, “hate” is an emotionally charged word, evoking intense feelings of hostility and even a desire for harm. The equivalent words in Biblical Hebrew and Greek are broader, more functional, less emotional, typically meaning to avoid or turn away from, in a posture of distance, not necessarily of hostility. It describes what happens when someone or something is no longer held close but left behind. So, Dr Bar concludes, Jesus isn’t commanding emotional hostility toward family members, but rather that disciples choose Jesus over them, being prepared to walk away from them, if necessary.[1]
This interpretation is supported by the parallel passage in Matthew’s Gospel, in which Jesus is recorded as saying: “Whoever loves father or mother, son or daughter, more than me is not worthy of me.” Matthew places this in the context of Jesus having just spoken about the likelihood of family division resulting from his presence and the various ways people respond to that.
While all this might remove much of the sting from Luke’s usage of the word translated “hate”, what Jesus tells the crowd about the cost of discipleship nevertheless remains quite challenging for us, of course. This is especially so for those in committed relationships and those with aging parents or young children, who have to work out the practical implications of following Jesus in their daily life.
Jesus himself clearly prioritized his own relationship with God his heavenly Father above that with his earthly family, but he did not hate his family, as we would usually understand that word, making sure that his mother would be cared for beyond the end of his earthly life. Jesus also had some harsh words for those who neglected their duty of care towards their aging parents on the basis of devotion to God.
The context in Luke’s Gospel is that of the crowd steadily increasing in size around Jesus as he has resolutely set out towards Jerusalem and the suffering that awaits him there. At the beginning of the passage we read together, Jesus turns towards this crowd, a turning that is within him as much as it is a physical turning, as if he has decided that he needs to be sure that they understand what is involved in following him.
Jesus is telling the crowd and us that we need to be assessing our priorities if we are to follow him in faith and try to live according to his teaching and his example. If we are not prepared to set aside our natural preferences in order to learn from Jesus, we cannot be his disciples. In this, I don’t think he is saying that he will not allow us to be his disciples, but rather that we will not be able to be his disciples if we are hindered by other concerns.
In the reading from Deuteronomy, Moses sets the contrast starkly as a choice between life and prosperity against adversity and death. He urges the people to choose life, by which he means loving the LORD your God, walking in His ways, and observing His commandments. Holding fast to God means life for us, not letting our hearts turn away so that we do not hear God and are led astray.
In his letter to Philemon, the apostle Paul provides a lovely description of the result of making a choice for the kind of life Moses is setting before us. Philemon is a man in whom faith towards his Lord Jesus has produced love for all in the household of faith, making him a source of joy and encouragement and refreshment of the hearts of those around him.
Philemon’s discipleship has resulted in his being a person open to new ways of relating well to others. While Paul would have had a natural authority over Philemon, Paul is able to base his appeal on love, being confident of Philemon’s willing consent, so that Philemon’s generous response would be given freely rather than under compulsion. This, by the way, describes the monastic understanding of obedience quite well.
In a social context where slavery was commonly accepted, Paul is returning a runaway slave to Philemon, while gently appealing for that relationship to be reset. Philemon would have been considered to have every right to punish his slave Onesimus severely. Paul is confident that Philemon will instead welcome Onesimus back as more than a slave, as a beloved brother, just as through his own discipleship Onesimus has proved himself to be a beloved brother to Paul.
When we hold our attachments to people and things lightly and bring ourselves to Jesus the Christ, holding fast to him as we walk in his way of love, we find all our relationships transformed and opened up to new possibilities as his Spirit breathes fresh life into us and them. In his Rule for monks, St Benedict wrote: “Let them prefer nothing whatever to Christ, and may he bring us all together to everlasting life.”
[1] Dr Eitan Bar, Hebrew Word Study: HATE (SANE), https://eitan.bar/articles/hebrew-word-study-hate-sane/